In case anyone is wondering, I’m still trans.
But its 2019 and I’m still here. I’m still here, alive, breathing, screaming tomorrow is gonna be different.
And that’s what I fight with, the dialectic of a wild, feel deeply, intense spirit and a desire to escape myself regularly.
Life is good. Yes, yes it is. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s magnificent. It’s beautiful. It’s exciting. It’s amazing. But in that same breathe… Life is messy. It’s fucking terrifying. It’s difficult. It’s painful. It doesn’t look how I think it was going to look. It’s emotional. It’s tiring and draining.
Today is Transgender Day of Visibility. This is probably the most vulnerable, raw, & scary thing for me to post so far. I know some of you will not understand, some of you will disagree or disapprove of my identity, and some of you will celebrate with me. And the reality of being trans is …
So, today tastes like bitter over-salted grief. It sounds like sad, angsty, painful melodies. Today smells like grey.And tomorrow will feel like goodbye. By everyday will be a series of see you soon’s and why can’t I find you’s.
Intimacy comes in a variety of ways. All shapes and sizes. It comes in the moments when the coffee is brewing and our messy hair flops to one side. It comes when the sun has set and we lay entwined debating if it’s late enough to go to bed.
Now we are at the end of January; the darkness still sits beside me through out the days, but it doesn’t hold me the same way. The darkness does not consume me. There is hope again. I’ve had moments of excitement for the positive things in my life. I was talking to someone recently about how I’m doing and summed up it feels not okay but better than December did. So, that is progress and I’m gonna take it. Progress is progress, even if it’s slow.
The past few days have included a lot of reflection for me as this time of year always does. I wanted to share with you a milestone for me and why I find these days so important. November 12, 2008, 9 years ago, I tried to kill myself. I overdosed on 200 pills in an …
Loving people has been one of the most beautiful yet grueling rides I’ve ever been on. I loved you Dad, before I knew what love was and it wasn’t safe. I loved you boy; I loved you girl, before I loved myself & I guess that was infatuation. I loved you friend, with hopes of …