No one can tell you how to grieve.

The way the initial loss punches you in the gut. Strips your mind of all consciousness. You forget where you are. And you replay those dreaded words over and over again, begging life you heard it wrong. But no matter how hard you deny it the news doesn’t change. You are in autopilot and you need to be told when to eat and when to stand. I brush my teeth.

No matter what happens, no matter how awful, keep brushing your teeth.

And you aren’t sure how you keep going but you do. Oh darling you always do. And the autopilot keeps me alive these days. Even if you can’t recall the coffee date on Sunday or your keys to the car. You overplay the Heartaches & Healing playlist. You eat too much shit food but still find comfort in the gym. And as time passes the days all blur together. You’re not sure if denial grows stronger or the empty spot in your heart seems to make a home inside you. You’re not sure if grief is settling in or you’re just ignoring the darkness of these days.

No one can tell you how to grieve.

I brush my teeth.
I drink milkshakes and eat out.
I cuddle myself in a pile of too many pillows.
I pace my house – thinking, searching for lost memories of you.
My work days lack productivity.
I remember to hold those still here, closer.
I fight not to push them away at the same time.
I cry too much.            I forget how to cry.
And no matter what. No matter how awful, I brush my teeth.

So, today tastes like bitter over-salted grief.
It sounds like sad, angsty, painful melodies.
Today smells like grey.
And tomorrow will feel like goodbye.
But everyday will be a series of see you soon’s and why can’t I find you’s.

I’m grieving you dear friends. Watch over us down here.


© Ange Neil 2018

One thought on “A Tribute to My Lost Friends & Broken Heart

  1. How Beautifully written Ange…Sad days right now…the sun will shine again…this is what we call life..with the good and the not so good and I Love when someone can put into words..some of how it feels to them…it helps those of us that are not so good with words learn to feel…


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