I’ve been putting off posting for almost 2 months… this was one of the things I was worried would happen if I started this website/blog process. I’ve attempted to write something multiple times, but I can’t quite decide what to tell you.
Do I share with you how messy December was? Do I tell you about my trip to the hospital right before Christmas? Do I tell you that I rang in the New Year not sure if I’d live through 2018? Do I tell you that the darkness has been swallowing me whole and I don’t know how I made it to today but I’m here and one day at a time seems to be the only thing I’m capable of right now? What do I tell you?
If I tell you how bad it’s been will that help someone or will it paint me in a negative light? I’m human though, I’m allowed to struggle. There’s a poster on my living room wall that says, “”The world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark.” – Kevin Breel. And I believe that, I really do. But to practice it, well that’s another deal.
And I suppose I have my answer as I remember that quote. I must embrace my dark and share my dark, so it does not consume me. I must honor the dark and heal my pain if I am going to have more days of light.
So, what is going on?
November came with an overwhelming wave of sadness and darkness. Daylight savings came more like a brain switch that said being okay would elude me for many weeks to come. It was not just a change in the clocks and sunlight. By December I was over it. I was done living. I had made up my mind that life was not worth living and I forgot why I had started this recovery business to start with. I ended up being hospitalized for the thoughts I was having. After a week of the hospital and another week of daily doctor appointments my meds were adjusted, I had seen enough professionals to make even the most experienced patient annoyed, plus I had cried enough tears to fill the Great Lakes of Canada.
Then Christmas came. It has never been one of my favorite times. I would rather evade it then participate in it. And it was messy. My emotional regulation was almost non-existent. Christmas week was an emotional roller coaster, full of borderline mood swings, suicidal thoughts, and periods of feeling too much.
School came back full swing January 2nd. The break was over (if you could call it a break). Full days and lots of homework. My meds were starting to kick in by this time – emotional regulation was now at minimal operational level. I spent 25 days of January overwhelmed, overworked, and pushing through. This past month has been more lessons in accepting help and allowing people to show up for me. I couldn’t have gotten through my school pile without the help of my people. It wouldn’t have been possible. People need people.
Now we are at the end of January; the darkness still sits beside me through out the days, but it doesn’t hold me the same way. The darkness does not consume me. There is hope again. I’ve had moments of excitement for the positive things in my life. I was talking to someone recently about how I’m doing and summed up it feels not okay but better than December did. So, that is progress and I’m gonna take it. Progress is progress, even if it’s slow.
To wrap up this update, I’d say life is messy sometimes. Sometimes messy on the regular. And sometimes messy sporadically. However messy looks for you I urge you to find your people and let them show up. People need people; I’m alive today because of the people who stood by me and supported me over the years. I got through this rough bout because of the support I had. Yes, I do the hard work. I make the choice to let people in. But even in the moments when I pushed everyone away and they fought with me to stay alive for another day, it was because I had people in my corner that I was able to get through the darkness. And I’ll give myself credit because I built this network of love and community around me. I took risks and invited people in so that when the darkness came up I was not alone.
Again, I urge you to find people. Find reasons. Find purpose. Find songs to stay alive for; watch sunsets & sunrises. Find beauty in the pain. Hold on lost soul. The night will come to end, sooner than you think.
Be gentle with yourself my friend.
© Ange Neil 2018